Learining to Fight Fair

“I am only one,
but I am still one.
I cannot do everything,
but I can still do something.
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”
Edward Evorett Hale (1822-1909)

Words that are helpful in mission when you wonder what a difference one person can make. I came across the quote above during one of my preparations for community night on a website Search for Common Ground. The organization was founded in the 80’s and serves to transform world conflicts. So, if world peace begins with me, then why not use the same information to serve conflicts in the home?

One of the most difficult aspects of mission life has nothing to do with the mission site itself. It is the community one lives in. Harmony, hygiene, nutrition, sleep are elements that can make or break a person. For all to live in harmony, it takes effort from each person. If one person is not happy, then no one is because the community suffers as a whole. When people come in with preconceived ideas of what their experience should be, the entire community declines. The best advice I had before I came was “your happiness will reside in your expectations. Control them.” Your passion to serve should not override your compassion for those you live with.

I have learned lots about myself through this process. For example, in an argugment it is very difficult for me to stay current. I like to bring up everything, past present and future. It has also been a good education for me to stay more in tune with my true feelings. Uncompromising, unwilling to yield or simply just discounting the needs of others, saying “I” do this or “I” anything and failing to see their interests or requests as important makes the fabric of the community unravel. You have to pick your battles and give a little. Giving is more than just giving space to others; you have to desire to find what works best for all.

The website Search for The Common Ground, www.sfcg.org/resources, offers 9 tips that you can really apply to any conflict in your life. I have taken from their list below.

“When conflicts arise, many of us automatically fall into adversarial ways of thinking –you vs. me. Doing so typically means there is a winner and a loser. However in reality both sides usually lose something because the relationship is damaged and the problem is often not truly resolved. …..Here are a few tips that might help:

1. Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life

2. Treat conflict as an opportunity: Conflicts are neither positive nor negative in themselves. It is the way we deal with the situation and other parties that determines the consequences.

3. Be aware of your initial reaction and take a deep breath: We all have automatic responses to conflict.

4. Choose your approach: There are always choices in a conflict.

5. Listen and learn: Conflicts are often based on stereotypes and lack of information.

6. Discover what’s important: We tend to have disagreements over our positions –the way we see things or what we want. But we seldom talk about our interests and needs –the reasons why our positions are important to us. There is value in expressing our interests and needs honestly, and asking the other parties about theirs. Often there is some overlap in interests and needs – the common ground where we are likely to find solutions.

7. Respect each other: Conflicts can be very emotional. Whatever happens, we must respect everyone’s dignity.

8. Find common ground: Finding common ground does not mean settling for the lowest common denominator. It’s about generating the highest. Often when people disagree, they meet in the middle and everyone has to compromise. Finding common ground is creating a new “highest common denominator.”

9. Be creative

A final point.. We each make a difference. Working together to find common ground is a learning experience for all involved. It takes courage to take this route because it is rarely the easy option, but ultimately it can be the most rewarding."

It only seems appropriate to end with the serenity prayer and a few quotes that are in the IW mission binder:

“A community is a group of people who have learned how to fight gracefully, how to be open to information and how to change.” M. Scott Peck

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not so easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home, for this is where our love for each other must start.” Mother Theresa

God grant me,
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at at time;
Enjoying one moment at at time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to His will:
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy in the next. (Reinhold Niebuhr)